School’s out for summer. Time to talk about some movies.
Predator (1987)
It is a crime that it has taken me, a massive horror fanatic, this long to finally watch Predator. The eternal abyss of my backlog is never ending; never complete. Having now watched the film, I can understand why the franchise rose to popularity in the 80s: the decade that’s always jumping the shark. I do like the tense moments in the film where the Predator is stalking someone, or the epic cat-and-mouse Schwarzenegger and the Predator have. I do think the movie leans hard into the action side of horror and lately, I have been enjoying slower-paced psychological horrors. Furthermore, I do think this movie is directly to blame for Schwarzenegger being cast as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. A casting director definitely saw him throwing out those one-liners and thought, imagine if those were ice puns.
Killer Workout (1987)
A local theater started showing some bad horror films to bring the community together for a laugh. Naturally, I went not for the laughs, but for the mental exercise of how I would fix each film. Yet, I will admit, it was hard to resist laughing at the cheesy 80s camp most of these movies occupy. If you are looking for something to mock, these will probably fit the bill. If you’re looking for scares, you should probably look elsewhere.
First on the chopping block is the 1987 film, Killer Workout. After the death of her twin sister, Rhoda Johnson opens a gym, only for her clients to be brutally murdered one by one. Off the bat, I gotta say this story is trying way too hard for something this schlocky. The movie has one of those unearned twists that come out of nowhere. There’s a separate red herring with a guy the movie really wants you to think is the killer, but isn’t. The real killer and the herring barely interact, so it just feels awkward and forced. On top of the weird plot, Killer Workout is more focused on watching tight-clothed women do aerobics than having interesting kills. For crying out loud, the main murder weapon is a giant safety pin; I just want to grab the director, tell him to stop drooling over his actresses, and give me some over-the-top murders.
So how do I fix this straight-to-VHS train wreck? First, pair down the plot to one twist and work in some breadcrumbs, so the twist doesn’t feel out of left field. Punch up the kills. Tell the director that he can’t gawk at any of the women until he shoots some good kill scenes. From there you might get a decent slasher film. It will still be a metaphorical wolf drooling at all the ladies, but you got to do what you can to stand out.
Dune: Part One (2019)
With Dune: Part Two lurking on the horizon, I felt it required, nay necessary, to rewatch Dune: Part One to familiarize myself with the world. To my surprise, most of the overarching narrative felt as fresh as my initial viewing back in 2019. I believe this is mostly due to Dune: Part One laying the groundwork for the series. We are introduced to so many factions, locations and noblemen, that it is shocking the movie doesn’t turn into an encyclopedia; a common complaint of Herbert’s writing. Something I completely forgot was how much charisma Jason Momoa has as Duncan Idaho. The DC movies are completely guilty of obliterating how much screen presence Momoa had. Seeing him be completely unleashed in Dune: Part One was a highlight for the film, and made it all the more disappointing when we learned his character wasn’t going to make it into the sequel. Nonetheless, I was excited to see what Dune: Part Two would do with most of the world building out of the way.
Dune: Part Two
Art is a mirror. Reflecting back both the good and the ugly. None a better example than Dune Part Two. A reflection of violence in colonialism, risk in hero worship and the dangers of religious fanaticism. I am not sure if I have ever admitted this atop my soapbox, but I believe religion to be a poison. Many bad actors use it as a weapon, and far too many sit idly, never speaking out against it. Certainly a theme woven deep into the story of Dune. While, I will always respect a film that willing to shine a light on this true, I have a hard time returning to films that taking this approach as it just reminds me of the damages religion has caused. I don’t fault author Frank Herbert for making Dune a parallel reflection to our own world. Hell, I applaud Dennis Villeneuve, cast and crew for bringing this world to life. Despite being nearly three hours, I would still recommend this movie to people. However, as the credits rolled, I made my way to my car, and sat there listening to Rotten Apple by Alice in Chains, completely heartbroken by Paul’s betrayal to Chani. I struggle to see a day when I would want to return to Dune: Part Two to endure the religious fanaticism just to rewatch Paul shatter the heart of his most loyal of friend.
Demons 2 (1986)
Ah yes, another sloppy 1980s horror that I am going to attempt to script doctor into a tolerable film. Demons 2, ironically not related to Demons 1, is a movie about a woman who gets possessed by a demon while watching a documentary about demon possessions, she then begins to spread the demonic infection by biting everyone in her apartment building. That feels more like a zombie thing, but I’ll give you a pass on that one, Demons 2.
Demons 2’s big problem is there are too many characters. There are about ten different characters the movie tees up as potential survivors. You might think the movie’s issue is that it just doesn’t have the length to support all these characters, but that requires these characters to have an ounce of personality. To say these are generic-stock horror movie characters is giving Demons 2 too much credit; all of them are just lambs for the demonic slaughter. Sure, I remember the pregnant mother, nerdy father, a Black gym instructor (who does not die first) and young kid left on his own, but my brain threw out information, like their names, long ago. The solution seems simple to me: cut down on characters and inject more personality into the ones you want to keep.
Imaginary
Words to live by as a writer: if this is not the most interesting moment in your character’s life, why are you telling it? This phrase echoes throughout my head as I think of movies like Imaginary. The first two thirds of this movie is exactly what you would expect from a horror movie about an imaginary friend. Child makes an imaginary friend, they ask the child to do some creepy stuff, imaginary friend eats a character who only has three lines, so on and so forth. You have seen this movie a thousand times. However, the movie starts to get intriguing when the parent chases the imaginary friend and the child they kidnapped into an MC Escher style dream world. It was a visually striking world that I would have gladly wanted to see more of, instead of going through our cliché-horror-movie checklist. Other screenwriters, I am begging you, taking an hour to explain how we got to your version of the Upside Down, will only make people walk out of the theater. I can’t blame anyone for not being able to sit through this slog.
American Psycho (2000)
Do you like Mary Harron, the director? Her earlier work was done in television, which isn’t really my taste, but when American Psycho came out in ’00, I think she really came into her own, commercially and artistically. The whole film has a clear, crisp, and new sheen feel to the cold serial killer genre that really gives the film a big boost. The main character, Patrick Bateman, played by Christian Bale, was compared to many other serial killers, but I think Bateman has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor. I think American Psycho is their undisputed masterpiece, a rollercoaster of a movie, that most people probably don’t think about the movie is trying to say. But they should, because it’s not just about an unreliable narrator, and his sick twisted thoughts, it’s also a personal statement about narcissism, consumerism, and ultra masculine need to conquer.
Yes, I am sure somebody has already done this joke, but when you love this movie as much as I do, you can’t resist. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to return some videotapes and explain music in a deep and philosophical way.
The Strangers (2008)
One of my favorite comparisons is saying a jump scare in a horror movie or video game is similar to a fart joke in a comedy act. A good comedian can perfectly weave a fart joke into their act: maybe open with a simple one to warm up the crowd, occasionally call back to it mid-act, and possibly end with the biggest fart joke they have left in the tank. Ideally, a horror movie/game should do the same with jump scares. A hack comedian will go up on stage and just blow raspberries into the mic. I always picture that image when a bad horror movie decides to bombard me with nothing but jump scares.
I mention this comparison because The Strangers would be that masterful comedian who looks like they are leading the story to a fart joke, but veer away until the final joke. Hitting the audience with the best fart joke they have ever heard. In the hands of an inexperienced director, The Strangers would be nothing but a jump scare safari: thinking of you, The Nun II. However, in the hands of Bryan Bertino, The Strangers build a perfect atmosphere that makes you scared to be alone in your own house. An ungodly amount of restraint is being exercised in this movie, and unfortunately, I doubt the same restraint will be in The Strangers: Chapter 1.
Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (2006)
Back in my high school days, anytime I was playing Rock Band 2 with friends and family, it was tradition to end the night on Tribute by Tenacious D. Not only did the song have an infectious way of putting a smile on all of our faces, but we felt the infamous line “This is not the greatest song in the world, this is just a tribute” perfectly capture why the heart and soul of the Guitar Hero and Rock Band series. Every time you picked up that plastic guitar, you were playing tribute to some of your favorite bands and artist. Something that, I believe, Tenacious D always understood and worked into their own music.
So naturally, as a fan of Tenacious D, it would only make sense that I will always hold a soft spot for Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. A goofy early 2000s comedy about two bros becoming the band they were destined to be. With songs like Master Exploder, Kickapoo, and Beelzeboss (The Final Showdown) being part of the story, you can’t help but smile from ear to ear. I am sure if you ask Jack Black and Kyle Gass, they won’t claim to have changed rock history, but for me, I will always believe they did by making it fun again.
Late Night with the Devil
Our king has arrived. Late Night with the Devil will most likely hold the horror movie crown of 2024 for quite a while. Our tale centers around Jack Delroy, host of the late-night talk show, Night Owls. After the tragic loss of his wife, Jack becomes desperate to break out of his second place in the TV ratings by holding a haunted Halloween event. Our story becomes a cautionary tale about making deals with devils in the bleak bid for fame, but David Dastmalchian’s work as the charismatic but at the end of his rope talk show host is what makes the film memorable.
One critique? I do think there was an opportunity for a jump scare. There’s a moment when a “We’ll be right back” cue card comes up, and I would have had the demon almost run into the screen. The cue card could scratch and distort over the demon’s face and hands to visually show coming through the TV of the audience at home. Late Night With the Devil certainly doesn’t need a jump scare, but I think it would have made it just that more memorable.
Heavy Metal (1981)
Why do I have a sinking feeling this was a huge inspiration for The Pick of Destiny? Sex, drugs, and rock n roll blended into an animated movie that seems perfectly designed for cult appeal. The film revolves around a green orb telling an anthology of tales of his dark and evil escapades to a young girl with a who’s who of classic rock soundtrack. From Black Sabbath to Stevie Nicks, you get all the greats who graced their musical talents to rock n roll. Heavy Metal is exactly what you would get from a 80s rock infused animated film. Despite being exactly as advertised, I couldn’t help but be drawn into its weird world. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Sinster (2012)
Oh look, Doomsayer is stuck in that same old bear trap; he just can’t resist horror movies around writers struggling with their art. What can I say, as I watched Ethan Hawke play a writer who struggles to recapture his old success and ends up going down a dark path of familial murders, child abductions, and possible demons in an aim to top his first big hit, I was completely mesmerized. What truly drew me in was the movie’s excellent pacing. So often I would expect to see the horrifying face that Ethan Hawke’s character kept seeing in the home movies, but it never came. My heart would race every second Hawke’s character was stumbling around in the dark. Your typical slasher would be throwing jump scares during this scene, but Sinister has the restraint and will to use them sparingly. If you have the sudden need to be scared of the dark, then Sinister is the movie for you.
The Purge (2013)
I regularly like to remind people that all art is political. No, I am not saying that art leans to the left or right of the American political parties, but I refer to the definition that states politics is the complex relations between people living in a society. With that in mind, you start to view romantic comedies as tools to push a family-focused society. Now, I understand not every movie works in that framework; the need to shove Christian imagery in our face during a Fast and Furious movie is more likely an accident than done purposefully. However, some movies can’t help but make these political themes a focus of their stories, and when they do, I believe they are teeing themselves up to have their politics questioned. Oh yes, you know where we are going with this one.
As I sat there, during The Purge, I couldn’t help but consider the idea the movie proposed: would a night where all crime is legal help the country? It probably won’t stop people from stealing, as many do it because they have to choose between food and rent. It definitely won’t curb the violence and murder we see in this country, as much of that stems again from poverty-stricken communities doing what they can to survive. Will this stop people of the corporate elites from committing all the fraud and stealing they do. In the words of Jordan Belfort in Wolf of Wall Street, “Absolutely fucking not.” All this would do, as the movie shows, is allow bad actors to take advantage of marginalized groups. The poor would easily be eradicated and eventually causing the corporate elites to turn their sites on the middle class.
The Purge feels like it is only scratching the surface on how damaging an event like this could be, and I can hear many of The Purge fans crying out that the sequels do a better job of tackling this issue. I certainly applaud the writers for recognizing this problem, but I can only judge the film in front of me. The Purge just feels like a toddler splashing around in a thinly laid puddle, unaware of the storm going on around them.
Donnie Darko (2001)
Whether it is a comedy, action or horror movie, I always ask myself what emotional response is this movie going for. I imagine Denis Villeneuve would love hearing I sat in my car for 10 minutes listening to Alice in Chain’s Jar of Flies album after watching Dune 2. Scott Derrickson would probably love hearing that I turned on EVERY light in my apartment after returning home from Sinister. However, as I walked out of the theater after watching Donnie Darko, I wasn’t sure what to feel. For those unaware of this cult classic, Donnie Darko stars the titular Donnie, a troubled teen who is having visions of a demon rabbit named Frank who convinces him to do crimes. Crimes that ultimately led to some positive events like meeting his girlfriend and getting a sexual predator exposed. During all of his antics, Donnie is constantly wondering if it is all worth it. Is he bettering the world or helping it towards its downfall? The movie ultimately leaves it up to the audience, and I am not entirely sure. It makes me want to go back, watch it again and let it really sink in. If you enjoy these ponderous-type movies, I got a feeling you’ll enjoy Donnie Darko. Despite not being sure how I felt, I enjoyed the characters enough that multiple viewings sounds like a good time.