No time for intros; we need to hit the ground running.
Don’t Look Away
I am always on the hunt for new horror indie titles. After watching the Halloween franchise milk itself to death, I firmly believe the big names in horror are coasting off their brand, void of any new ideas. So when I hear about a small-budget horror film starring a killer mannequin that only moves when you don’t look at it, I am intrigued. I’ll admit, the mannequin in Don’t Look Away appears to be nothing to write home about, but the more I saw his elongated grin and indented eyes that follow you, the more my blood began to chill. Some kills were creative including a scene at a pool. However, every character in this film comes right off the shelf of your generic horror movie characters store: you have the female lead who slowly loses her sanity, the unsympathetic boyfriend too wrap up his struggle to notice people dying, the male friend who secretly crushing on the female lead, the friend who is a dick who will die instantly, the crazed old man who knows too much about the monster, and many more. They even bought the Jack-Torrance-insanity-package for the boyfriend who writes mannequins over and over on his thesis paper. Just goes to show you can have great story ideas, but it matters not if your characters are more lifeless than a mannequin. You can probably skip this one.
Sound of Freedom
I might be stirring the hornet’s nest by discussing this movie. I’ll admit I was very hesitant to see this one due to the crowd it has attracted. The fact that the movie was made by a far-right faith-based production company also set off some alarm bells. Thankfully, the movie is not interested in the mudslinging that usually takes place in American politics. Sound of Freedom’s message is simple: no child deserves to be ripped from their homes and sold into slavery. The film focuses on former government agent Tim Ballard and his efforts to rescue children who have had the misfortune of child who been kidnapped and trafficked. Even with the laser focus on the message, I was surprised at the level of character development during this film. I still remember Vampiro’s story of how he went from mob boss to someone who helps rescue children. Sound of Freedom evokes that meme that states the person you hate the most just made a good point. If you are willing to look past the creators and aggressive fans, you will find a powerful movie beneath.
The Equalizer 3
I got another confession to make: I always assumed the Equalizer series was a John Wick clone. After seeing Equalizer 3, I see the error in my foolish ways. Yes, it is true that Denzel Washington’s character Robert McCall could easily go toe-to-toe with John Wick in a fight, but it is the government espionage that separates the two. McCall not only takes on the mafia terrorizing the small Southern Italian town he has settled in, but he also provides beard crumbs for the CIA to take out the corrupt government officials in bed with the mafia. It is a small enough change to scratch that John Wick itch while remaining fresh in its own way. Even if the film feels like an excuse for Denzel to vacation in Southern Italy. I recommend giving Equalizer 3 and its previous titles a chance.
Christine (1983)
A theater near me was showing Christine to celebrate its 40th anniversary. As someone who often watches older movies to see the groundwork they have laid bare, I thought this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass on. Immediately I felt transported back to my youth when my family would watch Full House and The Cosby Show. Christine felt like viewing a time capsule from the 80s. I won’t deny that Christine is a great film, but it is one of those films that I have seen parodied so many times that it is hard to be truly enraptured by the film. Both Fairly Odd Parents and Futurama, have episodes where their protagonists become cars, and I am sure there are a million more examples of sentient cars. Still, I am glad I saw it, and can recommend it to any horror fans out there.
The Nun II
The Nun II, on the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemy. This movie represents everything I hate in horror … minimal atmosphere, maximum jump scare. The constant need to move from jump scare to jump scare refusing to let a scene marinate and develop tension. Characters that make the cast of Don’t Look Away look like they have more personality. Defeating the villain by essentially wishing her away. Do not bother with this film. As usual, all the good jump scares are shown in the trailers so just watch that instead. I have no problem with jump scares in horror films, but I view them as fart jokes in a comedy act. A well-timed fart joke weaved into a comedian’s act can be comedy gold, but if a comedian gets on stage and just makes fart sounds, I am booing them off the stage. The Nun II definitely falls into the latter category and we should send it straight back to hell.
Bottoms
Bottoms is a film about two high school lesbians who start an all-female fight club in an attempt to seduce a couple of cheerleaders they have a crush on. The plot sounds like a mad lib when you say it out loud. I also walked out of the theater unsure if the movie was trying to be genuine or a parody, but I chalk this up to my struggling ability to connect with younger generations. This feels like a more natural Gen Z inspired movie, more than TMNT: Mutant Mayhem. Struggles with sexuality, fitting in, and maturing into who you are supposed to be are all here with the detached aloof played for comedic laughs. If nothing I have said has scared you off, you might enjoy this one. I’ll be over here still trying to decipher if this is playing it straight or trying to be satirical. Maybe it’s both.
A Haunting in Venice
I admire all the work Kenneth Branagh and his crew do to adapt these Agatha Christie novels. I feel like the detail involved is criminally underrated. Naturally, when I heard they were making another film that blended all the drama of solving crimes with the thrills of a horror movie, I could not wait to see it. Unfortunately, as the events in Haunting in Venice play out, I soon began to realize the two genres don’t quite mix in the way that I want to. As Poirot witnesses the seance and the murder following, he is constantly on a warpath to prove the world of ghosts and ghouls has no place in deductive reasoning. A fair stance for Poirot to take, but it doesn’t allow any of the horror to have its time in the spotlight. This criticism is more fairly aimed at author Christie rather than the filmmakers themselves who do a beautiful job with the text Christie has given them. Personally, for me, the failed clashing of genres didn’t do it for me and I would watch Death on the Nile before I came back to this film.
The Retirement Plan
I am more interested in talking about the production company, Darius Films than talking about the film The Retirement Plan. Darius Films is a production company founded in 1996 and made films I never heard of from 1998 to 2018 including Stockholm, The Art of the Steal, The Padre, Weirdsville, Defendor, and The Calling. The company seemed almost dormant until recently with the release of both The Baker and The Retirement Plan; both films having Ron Pearlman babysit a kid for part of the movie. It is just really bizarre. What’s not bizarre is The Retirement Plan itself, as Nicolas Cage stars as a retired government agent whose carefree life is interrupted by his estranged daughter and granddaughter arriving at his Caribbean shack being chased by the mob. Usual plot beats ensue: Nic Cage’s character has skills that make him unkillable, his backstory is revealed through Cage’s friend, the government is in bed with the mob, and a politician takes all the credit in the end for disposing of the mob. The Baker had some original ideas and none of them made it into The Retirement Plan. Even if you are into some cheesy Nic Cage films, I can promise there are better films out there. The interesting question is what does this studio have on Ron Pearlman?
It Lives Inside
I was recently asked the traditional male question of how often I think about the Roman Empire. My response was I don’t think about the Roman, Greek, or Norse cultures because I have heard stories of their mythology a dozen times. I think about the Native American, Aztec, Indian, and many other cultures whose mythology we don’t get stories about. As if the universe heard, I learned about an Indian-inspired horror movie called It Live Inside. The film is about an Indian-American teenager trying to fit in during high school being stalked by a dark and ominous presence. Unfortunately, this film does not stick the landing in my opinion, as it commits a cardinal sin in horror: the monster is invisible for most of the film. The film does this to hide the monster and save the reveal for the final confrontation, which I understand as the design of this monster is genuinely gruesome and horrific. However, as I watch a CGI human being thrashed around in the air like a chew toy in the mouth of a dog, I can’t help but feel the illusion being shattered like glass. The solution is to use creative camera angles to give us small glimpses of the monster to keep us on edge. I hope the team behind this movie can learn from this mistake because I want to see more Indian-inspired horror.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3
I’ll pull back the curtain on this one and reveal I went with my mom to see this film. She loves the My Big Fat Greek Wedding movies. I think they excel at delivering the chaos of a big family but I see that all the time at family gatherings. Overall, the series has not been my cup of tea. However, I don’t regret seeing the movie with my mom. The story takes the family to Greece which feels similar to when Adam Sandler sets his movies in Hawaii so he and his buddies can have a vacation. The usual fun family chaos ensues. I don’t think it tops the original, but it probably doesn’t need to. If you’re a fan of the series you will probably like this. If you’re not a fan, I don’t think this will change your mind.
Dumb Money
Dumb money is a financial term that often refers to individual, non-institutional investors who will always throw their money away. The phrase is often used to describe people like you and me; people that Wall Street has deemed unworthy to have a crumb from massive pies. If that doesn’t make your blood boil, I don’t know what will. Dumb Money is a movie about the GameStop stock situation in 2020. How a hedge fund company bet against it, lost to users on the Wall Street Bets Reddit forum, and used their powerful connections to cheat the system. Even though the movie ends with the hedge fund group going bankrupt, it is a good reminder that our country is built to enrich the people at the top and destroy the people at the bottom. Fortunately, with all the strikes going on, I sense a change in the winds. I loved Dumb Money as a film and believe we should have more movies mocking the one percent.
Saw X
I am not sure what happened to me. I remember seeing the Saw spinoff movie, Spiral and having a pretty good time with it. However, when I sat down to watch Saw X and witnessed a kid having his eyeballs get sucked out of his skull by a makeshift vacuum, I felt sick to my stomach. It’s unfortunate because Saw X attempts to ground itself by focusing on John Kramer. The story revolves around Kramer enrolling in a trial medical procedure to try and cure him of his cancer. Once he realizes the procedure is a scam, he decides to play a little game with all involved. It is a story anyone can get behind. Scam artists are the scum of the Earth. Yet as I watched one of these con men attempt to saw off her own leg, I couldn’t escape the feeling that even she didn’t deserve this torture. Yes, these people deserve to be punished, but not like this. I am sure a younger Doomsayer would have enjoyed this, but I think I have matured out of the series.
The Creator
I am a victim of my own hype. Of all the films I laid before you, I was the most excited for The Creator. The looming threat of AI weighs heavy on me. Even if AI isn’t fully prepared to take our jobs, I worry companies will fully replace us with AI just to keep their billionaire bosses happy. With that fear always in the back of my mind, I was hoping The Creator was going to have things to say about a world where AI and humans could work together. Unfortunately, that’s not the story The Creator is trying to tell. After an AI triggers a bomb in LA killing thousands, America declares war on AI, forcing most robots to seek refuge in New Asia. Our hero, Joshua, is sent on a mission to destroy the AI’s new super weapon when he learns it is an AI and human hybrid he names Alphie. As you can imagine, The Creator is more interested in tackling themes of military imperialism than widening class divide AI could create. The movie excels at addressing those themes and is an entertaining sci-fi film. Unfortunately, I was expecting something else and was a bit disappointed I didn’t get it. It feels like an unfortunate error in timing, probably due to when it was written; if the movie was released in 2022, I might not have expected answers for our looming AI threat. Yet another tale of how hype can so easily turn to poison.