My loyal followers, I have a confession to make: I love movies. There’s something about going to the theater that just puts my mind at ease. I have seen Nicole Kidman give the AMC theater speech so many times that I can probably recite it from memory, despite wanting to purge it from my mind. As I dived deeper into the art of storytelling, I found there are more movies that I have had opinions on over the years. So I am starting this monthly tradition of standing atop my soapbox and ranting about movies instead of games. Hopefully, I can help you find something you enjoy. No, this isn’t an open invitation to recommend an 800-hour TV show or anime. That just doesn’t fit my vagabond lifestyle.
The Baker
Foolishly, I am going to start with the first movie I saw this month as I am nothing but a slave to formality. A movie that nobody saw and had no marketing budget behind it. Honestly, I only saw this movie because I saw a poster of Ron Perlman starring in it; as a fan of his work, I felt the need to give the movie a chance. The movie is called The Baker. Ron Perlman plays a small shop baker whose estranged son returns to ask him to babysit his daughter. After his son fails to return from a business deal, he needs to fight his way through legions of mobsters while protecting his granddaughter. So The Baker is Nobody meets The Last of Us. The fighting is pretty good and I thought Ron’s relationship to his granddaughter was cute. It is not reinventing the wheel, but it is still pretty solid. If you find it when you’re flipping through the channels, I recommend giving it a chance.
Barbie
No, I did not participate in Barbieheimer. That’s five hours of sitting in the theater that not even I can endure. I wanted to see Barbie with a couple of family members and we couldn’t see it until early August. I did hear everyone crying out saying the movie was anti-men, super feminist, and all the other buzzwords thrown around like mud. I know the answer but I am going to ask the question to those mudslingers anyway: Did we watch the same movie? Yes, Barbie, a movie about the iconic doll for girls, was always going to have a positive message for girls. I honestly, thought the movie communicating that being yourself is enough was a great message in an age where women feel pressure to literally do everything. I also thought the movie had a strong pro-male stance saying guys don’t have to be accessories to women. Fellas, we can live our lives the way we want to. I have always felt young men needed to invest their time in hobbies that made them happy instead of chasing relationships. Personally, I look forward to Hollywood learning all the wrong lessons from Barbie. Now, excuse me, I need to sit in the corner and wonder why I am in the timeline with the gritty Hot Wheels movie directed by JJ Abrams.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
Off the bat, I love that more studios are using the “Spiderverse” comic book art style. It’s a perfect fit for a TMNT movie and I simply want more movies in this style. Unfortunately, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Mutant Mayhem is a conflicted film in my eyes. On one hand, It is desperately trying to invoke an 80s nostalgia with both the intellectual property and the soundtrack. On the other hand, it also positions itself to appeal to Gen Z with the mannerisms and slang of the turtles. Seth Rogen, who produced the film, felt he better understood Gen Z speak after working with the voice actors of the turtles. The idea of making the turtle Gen Z teenagers, does make sense to me; the T in TMNT does stand for teenagers. Filmmakers are more than welcome to try to incorporate more Gen Z elements into their films, but that will make them age like milk in my mind. People don’t love Walter White because he is from the boomer generation. We love him because he is a compelling character; one that all generations can connect with. When Gen Z’s mannerisms fade with time, will people enjoy this movie? Personal biases aside, here’s a good barometer on your enjoyment of this movie: the turtles only say Cowabunga once and it feels like it’s contractually obligated. I must admit, I missed this moment and only noticed it when a friend pointed it out. If that doesn’t bother you, then you will love this movie more than me; if that does bother you, then you will think the film is just okay.
The Last Voyage of the Demeter
As I sat there watching The Last Voyage of the Demeter, a scene from the first Pirates of the Caribbean film flooded into my mind. It was the scene where Barbossa recalls the tale of the cursed Aztec gold to Elizabeth Swan. She tries to make an escape, but then soon sees that Barbossa wasn’t merely spinning a fairy tale just to scare her. He soon reenters the scene retelling how the curse has plagued his life. As he steps into the moonlight to reveal his ghostly face he gives the iconic line: “You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner you’re in one.”
The same energy from that scene radiates all throughout The Last Voyage of the Demeter. Based on the seventh chapter of Bram Stroke’s Dracula, the movie is about a crew unlucky enough to carry Dracula’s coffin from Transylvania to London. It is no surprise that Dracula hunts the crew in the middle of the night; picking them off one by one. The film perfectly fills the void of a sea-fairing adventure that the Pirates of the Caribbean movies have left behind, while also being a gripping vampire horror movie. Definitely, a movie you should check out in October when the Halloween spirit rolls in like a thick fog.
Haunted Mansion (2023)
Speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean and Halloween, we have Disney’s second attempt at a Haunted Mansion movie. Unfortunately, Disney seems unwilling to commit to a tone this property needs in the same way they did with Pirates of the Caribbean. The Haunted Mansion film makes me feel like I am on the titular ride while Pirates of the Caribbean takes me on a swashbuckling pirate adventure that the ride seems based on. There is a framework here to make a good horror film as ghosts are tempting the main character to take his life so he can be united with his dead wife. However, any dark undertone is completely shattered when any supporting cast member walks into the frame. Owen Wilson and Danny Devito don’t feel like characters that belong in this world; they just feel like themselves. Tiffany Haddish is doing her best as a Louisiana psychic median, but playing a comic relief character still undermines any attempt at making something truly scary. I am positive that this is done on purpose to capture the widest audience possible. That works for a lighthearted pirate film but not a niche genre like horror. Disney, just stick to the mansion being a cute Halloween special for Disney + shows.
If this doesn’t cement me as an independent art house film fan, I don’t know what will. I only caught a brief glimpse of Landspacing with Invisible Hands through small marketing efforts and was immediately curious. The movie was also opening the same weekend as a couple of other titles I was lukewarm on which always helps. The movie is about the changes in society when aliens come in and take over Earth. As the aliens describe in a high school history class, some humans and governments were fiercely against the idea of aliens coming to Earth, but some saw the business opportunity available to them. As a result, wealth has been drained from small-town America in a bleak metaphor for capitalism and colonialism. To put it bluntly, there is a neurosurgeon who gave up his practice to chauffeur an alien around because he makes four times the amount he did as a neurosurgeon. If that doesn’t speak to you, then you have clearly not been paying attention to the world around you. This movie has a lot to say about relationships, art, and society as a whole. Please watch this film!
Strays
Riding high off the beauty of arthouse indie films, I went into Stray completely ready to roll my eyes. I went in with a middling scowl and came out with the widest of grins. Completely blindsided by how gut-busting funny this movie is. As I was laughing at the pee and poop humor, I felt as if I was transported to the early 2000s. Stray is a comedy in the same vein as titles like Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Anchorman, and Wedding Crashers. Comedies where it is not enough to simply have a fart joke, but the character must have explosive diarrhea in front of their crush. Boy humor as my mother describes it. There is certainly a lot of boy humor in this tale about a dog named Reggie (voiced by Will Ferrell) and his quest to return to his bastard of an owner to bite his dick off. If you have been wondering why comedy movies have been replaced by simply adding comedic moments to Marvel movies, then this movie is probably for you. Proof a critic cannot survive on indie films alone.
Meg 2: The Trench
It is so disheartening to see a sequel fail to understand why we love the original film. I had a ball with The Meg because it was a dumb shark movie. It wasn’t the characters, the corporation funding the adventures, or even the slight lean towards an environmental stance. I love The Meg because I got to watch Jason Statham try to out-swim a monstrous shark and say one-liners like “See you later chum.” So when Meg 2: The Trench opens with a voyage to the titular trench, that’s sabotaged by a rogue faction within the company looking to mine minerals at the bottom of the trench, I can’t help but stare blankly at the screen. I am here for monstrous sharks, not corporate espionage. I do eventually get my wish as the Megs escape the trench and terrorize a local tourist attraction. There are great moments as Statham has to outrun the Megs on a jet ski and a colossal octopus tries to take on one of the Megs. Unfortunately, it takes too long to get to this point. I understand sequels are under pressure to evolve and expand the film’s world and scope. For The Meg film, this should come in the form of bigger and wilder setpieces, not random corporate deception. Honestly, I can’t even remember Statham’s character’s name, why would you think I care about a side character’s inevitable betrayal?
Retribution
If you saw the trailer for Retribution, then you can probably see why I was intrigued. Liam Neeson finds a mysterious phone in his car and then receives a call saying there is a bomb under his car seat. A mixture of Speed and Phone Booth; you can easily imagine Liam Neeson telling the caller he has a particular set of skills. Ironically, while being the main draw to the film, Liam Neeson feels incredibly miscast in this movie. He’s obviously working hard to squeeze as much out of this mediocre script as he can, but I don’t feel he’s a good fit for this role. His character, Matt Turner, is supposed to be charming but in a snake oil salesman sort of way. It’s hinted that he has some skeletons in his closet, but I don’t believe Liam Neeson has a bad bone in his body. To make matters worse, the opportunity to have a playful dialogue between Neeson and the bomber is thoroughly missed in this film. Overall, the movie felt like the “I have a particular set of skills” scene from Taken if the kidnapper on the other end tried to keep talking to Neeson: uninteresting and doesn’t go anywhere.
Blue Beetle
I have been seeing superhero movies for fifteen years, and I honestly could not name one hero who was supposed to be Hispanic. Representation, overall, is good. It adds variety to a genre that can get stale quickly; looking at you Marvel. So yes, it is good that Blue Beetle exists for Hispanic representation. However, I could not have been more bored throughout this film. The only thing that separates Blue Beetle from every other superhero origin story is Jaime’s connection to his family. Everything else is your classic run-of-the-mill origin story. Sing along if you know the words: Jamie gets powers, he’s bad at using them, he quickly gets better at them, someone close to him gets hurt, he questions if he should have powers, overcomes questioning, and saves the day. When superhero films aren’t bobbed down with origin stories, we get fantastic movies like Spider-Man 2 or Thor Ragnarok (two of my personal favorites). James Gunn, if somehow this crosses your desk, I beg you to skip the origin stories. Look at the success of The Batman, and how it has the confidence to get straight to the good parts. If I have to watch Thomas and Martha Wayne die in an alley one more time, I am going to lose my mind.
Gran Turismo
I often think about this writing tip from Double Fine’s Tim Schafer: When writing a character think about what music they like listening to at that moment. The tip has sat with me as I have observed how my own music taste has morphed and evolved throughout the years. I mention this because we are shown the musical tastes of the two main characters in Gran Turismo. Although he does enjoy some more modern music, our main character Jann, played by Archie Madekwe, listens to Kenny G to help him relax before a race. Jack Slater, Jann’s chief engineer and father figure, played by David Harbour, loves Black Sabbath. The two bond over this shared interest in music and I surprisingly got invested in their struggles. One race required Jann to come in fourth to continue racing. There was no doubt in my mind that he would come in fourth, but I was still on the edge of my seat. It just shows how adding some personality to your characters can save a rather standard rise-fall-rise story structure. Even when the event representing the hero’s fall, was pretty weak overall. A tip for story writers, killing a no-name character off-screen does not create the drama you think it does. Still, I recommend checking this one out if you are looking for a charming sports movie.
Hopefully, you enjoyed this break from the normal ramblings to try something different. I employ you to come by my soapbox next month to hear my thoughts on movies such as The Nun II and Saw X … lord have mercy on me.
We’ll written and interesting Craig.