This article originally ran under a different banner/website in July of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! I, the Video Game Doomsayer, feel like Robin Williams returning to the real world after escaping from Jumanji. Bewildered and confused. All I can do is run out into the street, desperately asking everyone “what year is it?” Everyone gives me a puzzled look as they say 2020 with a concerned tone. How can it be, I thought. How can it be 2020 when I just played a three-dimensional platformer about a licensed character. A staple of the early 2000s video game stable. I must be going mad; how else could I have played Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom.
No, my loyal followers, I did not emerge from a cursed PS2 that trapped me for nearly seventeen years. I had not gone feral from having to survive a world inhabiting Kratos, Solid Snake, and Tony Hawk himself. Of course, fortunately for us, the world of San Andreas, Spira, and Silent Hill will not be oozing out of this cursed PS2 into our world. No, I played a remastered version of a beloved PS2 title, Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated. While my childhood didn’t consist of famous three-dimensional platformers like Mario 64 and Banjo-Kazooie, I did enjoy some of the Harry Potter adventure games, so I figured I give Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated a chance.
Our story begins like many stories that take place in Bikini Bottom … Plankton is trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula. Today’s scheme involves creating a machine that will create an army of robots to overrun the Krusty Krab and the rest of Bikini Bottom. Unfortunately, Plankton forgets to set the robot to obey and they turn against him. Oh, Plankton, you bumbling buffoon; when will you learn. Naturally, it is up to Spongebob, Patrick, and Sandy to save the day by collecting enough golden spatulas to be able to enter the Chum Bucket and stop the machine from making robots.
Your quest for golden spatulas takes you to famous Bikini Bottom locations such as Jellyfish Fields, Goo Lagoon, and Rock Bottom. The remastering has done a great job of creating a more colorful Bikini Bottom. The original game had most of the original voice actors from the show come in and record lines for the game. While it is great to hear Tom Kenny as Spongebob, it makes it all the more offsetting to hear Mr. Krabs not voiced by Clancy Brown. While Clancy Brown might not have been available for the recordings for the original game, it would have been nice to see him return for this remastered version. Honestly, I wished all the actors were brought in to do some more lines. In a game that is roughly ten hours, to hear Spongebob run through his handful of lines a dozen times, made me envy the deaf.
Along with the voice acting, the music has been taken straight from the original game. While the music does capture the spirit of the cartoon, I can’t escape the feeling that the music is just endlessly looping. Since the levels are so large and tracks are your standard three-minute tracks, I feel like I am hearing the same beats over and over again. Much like having Clancy Brown record lines for Mr. Krabs, it would have been nice to see these tracks tweaked to fit the larger levels.
However, the setting of a game is merely the icing on the three-dimensional platformer cake. The actual platforming and combat are the moist gooey center of these metaphorical baked goods. Initially, I found the platforming and combat fairly relaxing. I was able to understand the way the three characters played. Patrick can pick up and throw items and has access to a belly flop move. Sandy can glide and swing on flying Texas platforms with her lasso. Spongebob has a lot more tools in his arsenal, with some bubble moves and the ability to belly flop as well. When I first started the game, I assumed you would be able to switch between any of the trio, I soon learned that I only was able to switch between Spongebob and either Patrick or Sandy, depending on the level. At first, I was disappointed but slowly realized that Sandy’s ability to glide across large gaps would probably trivialize some levels. What probably could have been changed was the need to go back and forth from the bus stop to switch characters as some levels required constant swapping that got tiresome quickly.
I did find the occasional boss fight really enjoyable. Seeing giant robotic versions of the trio gave me a smile just as much as the show itself does. I also loved how the fish from the news would commentate on the fight. While they seemed to be fairly standard boss fights with three phases and three health bars for either phase, I found it rewarding to figure out how to use my skills to defend these metal menaces. They certainly are more enjoyable than the bullet sponge bosses found in today’s live service swill.
However, my patience soon dried up like a sponge soaking up water. I reached the Kelp Forest and encountered the Tiki puzzle. I was asked to bring three tiki statues to various platforms. It seems like an easy task at first. I was able to locate and move the first two tiki stones with ease. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out how to move the last tiki stone. In an attempt to experiment, I died which caused all the tiki stones to reset. While I am all for a game punishing me for my mistakes, having to move those tikis all over again, just felt like busy work. Busy work that utterly drained me and could have been avoided if the game saved every time I properly placed a tiki.
While the tiki puzzle was tedious, I found the level called Spongebob’s Dream to be an exercise in three-platforming nonsense. The level consisted of platforming sections based on the gang’s dreams. You have musical note platforms in Squidward’s levels. Texas-themed slides in Sandy’s dream. Dreams of the Krusty Krabs making tons of money in Mr.Krab’s dreams. Naturally, since this level is a dream, that means the developers could make the paths connecting the various dreams as obnoxious as possible. The amount of rotating blocks with spikes on various sides is nauseating. On top of that, hitting any spike will send you flying in a random direction to fall into the void. Watching Spongebob go flying after taking damage becomes especially annoying with the number of small platforms that the game asks you to jump on while enemies throw projectiles your way. Even with a large platform, like the one in Mr. Krab’s dream, getting hit can still cause you to go flying off the platform. Every time this happened, I had to resist the urge to snap my controller in half.
Now I know many people enjoy this game for being the same game from their past with a fresh coat of paint. If that is the case for you, then I truly hope you got exactly what you were looking for in this remaster. I would certainly not say no if someone wanted to give me a new polished version of a game like any of the Backyard Sports titles. However, over the years, I have been slowly wishing some designed decisions were reworked in games that are remastered. I wish the work that went into the Resident Evil 2 remake was the standard rather than the exception. Alas for our old sponge friend, it was not meant to be. So to bring it back home to my Jumanji reference, while I might have played a game that feels like it is from 2003, I know it is 2020 because I played a remake whose only ambitions include receiving a facelift.