This article originally ran under a different banner/website in May of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
My plan was highly lucrative, yet highly dangerous. I knew the small town like the back of my wing. A small block containing pubs, shops, and homes, all nestled in an almost cozy rustic fashion; however in the middle of the quiet town was a model village housing the grandest prize of all: A Golden Bell. Sure I had many like this one stashed away in my nest, but I had to have this one. My small goose brain couldn’t exactly grasp why I needed this bell in particular. The golden coat was only slightly shinier and the ring was only slightly higher in pitch than my other ones. Yet I still knew I had to have it. The bad news was the path to the model village was filled with townsfolk who had no interest in a goose wandering in and wrecking the place. I would have to get through a garden, marketspace, residential housing, and a popular pub.
The good news is I am a goose. I merely need to sow the seeds of chaos and strike when the time is right. I drafted myself a list of tasks to perform that would have the town at each other’s throats at the end of the day. I would be able to walk out of the town clutching the bell within my beak. You think I try to put together a crew …maybe a getaway driver, an inside man, and a grease-man. Not me, I am a goose; I work alone.
The first step of my plan was to get through the garden. The back door of the garden leads right into the marketspace. However, the gardener usually keeps it and the front gate into the garden locked. Luckily, the solution was simple. Turn the sprinkler system on. The valve was located outside the garden; the gardener would have no choice but to open the gate to turn off the sprinkler. With this simple maneuver, I was in.
From there, it was a simple task of pestering the gardener until he opened the back door. I did have trouble nabbing all the items to create a picnic. I would take items to the pond, but the gardener would just find them and bring them back. I eventually found a marshy section of the pond that the gardener didn’t go to. I took all the items there before transferring them to a picnic blanket. It might have seemed like a painstaking process, but it was worth getting the gardener to open the back door. The gardener was so frustrated with my antics, that he opened the back door so he could grab items to make a no goose sign. Fool, he should know I can read.
From there, the next phase of the plan was causing distribution in the marketplace by playing the people within the market. You had the kid and he’s absolutely terrified of geese. I merely need to walk to him and he will cower in fear. Then there is the TV shop owner who has a soft spot for the kid and will probably help him out if he’s in trouble. Lastly, there is the market shopkeeper, she’s got eyes like a hawk and a hatred for geese.
With all the pieces in place, I merely needed to start pulling the right strings. I chased the kid into a phone booth where he called the TV shop owner to rescue him. During this time, I was able to steal the kid’s toy plane and sneak into the TV shop. The tricky part was stealing items from the shopkeeper. She was relatively quick, so I had to trick her into the garage where I could trap her inside for a bit. With this maneuver, I was able to get what I needed before she could even notice it was gone.
With everyone in the marketplace frustrated with each other, I moved onto the two neighbors behind the marketspace. We had a rather posh and uptight gentleman living next door to an artsy free-spirited woman; I knew if I just caused a little bit of chaos, they would be bricking with each other all day. The task was simple: get them both to destroy the other’s most prized possession. The man had a prize-winning rose that he treasured; while the woman had a priceless vase she adored. I just need to find a way to get the prized possessions on the other sides of the fences.
Once, I was able to create pathways between the neighbor’s backyards, I knew it only would be a matter of time. I was able to grab the vase and get it over to the man’s backyard. I knew the man would toss the vase over the fence, so the second he went to toss over the vase, I honked to startle him. The vase flew sky-high before crashing down with an audible clang. The woman gave her neighbor an earful. During the commotion, I noticed the man’s prize-winning rose was in a pot that I could move. I stealthily moved it closer to the woman’s large bush and made sure it looked like it was part of the bush. As she began to trim the bush, she accidentally cut the rose, causing the man to become enraged. I slipped out the back as the two continued arguing.
One more stop, just before the model village: the pub. I knew the pub was going to be a death trap. Sure the patrons wouldn’t be a problem, some might even find me adorable, but the staff surely weren’t going to want a goose getting in their way. Unfortunately, it was the only way into the model village. Right off the bat, the bouncer refused to let me in. I couldn’t turn back now; I was so close. I observed that one of the employees was moving boxes into the back. I jumped into an empty box hoping to see if she just simply carried me in and to my surprise she did.
Once inside, I began sowing the seeds of chaos. As I suspected the patrons were no problem; I even performed for two women who gifted me a flower. Unfortunately, the staff were more trouble than I bargained for. To get some items that I needed, I had to navigate a deck containing tables for patrons. While I was able to hide underneath the tables like a stealthy thief, I had some trouble getting under them. I am not sure if it was due to my webbed feet, but I found I wasn’t able to make precise turns. I round a corner hoping to duck into a table, but I take the turn so wide that I miss the entrance to under the table.
My inability to take sharp turns also became a problem when the pub staff finally noticed me. They would relentlessly chase me, often into walls and corners. Unable to simply slip past them, I frequently just be bounced around like a small child in a mosh pit. I swear the pub owner was bouncing me around one corner for a solid ten minutes. I was only able to escape after I dropped a bucket on his head. That’ll show him.
Finally, I had made it to the model village. My prize was so close I could taste it. I waddled through the model city like a nightmarish Godzilla until I reached the clock tower. I initially planned to place explosives on the tower, but I figured people would be suspicious of a goose carrying explosives in his beak. So I simply grabbed the tower, pulled it down, grabbed the bell, and booked it. I sprinted back the way I came. I ducked into any tunnel and ran behind objects to help conceal myself from the humans. A couple of them were able to get me to drop the bell, but I was able to grab it as the humans realized their world was devolving into chaos. Once I was able to get through the garden, I knew I was home free. As I waddled into my lair, I carefully added my prize to my glorious collection.
However, as I sit upon, my throne of shiny, yet worthless trinkets, I couldn’t stop wondering if it was all worth it? Was it worth thinking through the almost puzzle-like problems blocking my way? Was it worth the frustration with my inability to make sharp precise turns? Was it worth getting tossed around like a rag in the tumble dryer? HELL YA IT WAS, I thought as I gazed upon those gleaming bells, and if they put up another bell in that clocktower, I’ll do it all again. They will all be mine.
