This article originally ran under a different banner/website in June of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
As the automated door opened, I stumbled through it soaked in sweat and unsure where I was. Trying my best not to trip over myself, I lurched over to the clerk’s desk hoping he could help me figure out where I am.
“Hey, friend” a voice out of my vision stated with excitement, “I haven’t seen you in a while. I was starting to worry something happened to you. Crazy stuff is happening out there.”
I fell to the ground in exhaustion. As I attempted to pull myself up, I muttered: “Where… where am I?”
“Come on man,” the voice said, “you’re at your favorite convenience store. You come in here every other day. You pick up snacks for when you play games you review.”
That does sound like me, I thought. I was able to crawl up the side of the counter and rest my head onto the counter. My head was pounding like a bass drum. The lighting was blinding and irritating, so I pulled my hood over my head to black out the light.
“So what happened man,” the voice asked, “You look like a mess. Did you get caught up in The Last of Us Part II heated discussion?”
“Ugh,” I groaned, “Don’t remind me of that game. I am going to have to play it later this month. I am not looking forward to any discussion regarding it. It really grinds my gears when people already hate a game before it has come out. However, no my night didn’t involve The Last of Us, it was even wilder. I got a voicemail on my cell phone from some guy named Tony, who asked me to go to 451 Main Street saying a game needed to be reviewed.”
“That’s weird,” the voice said, “you didn’t go, right? That sounds super sketchy.”
“As you can see,” I grumbled, “I did go to the address. The address took me to a warehouse. It appeared to be abandoned. I carefully went inside and found a desk with a computer on it. There was a message on it. It read ‘Evening, Mr. Doomsayer, please review the game on this computer.’”
“Odd,” the voice said, “what was the game?”
“There was only one game on the computer: Hotline Miami.”
“Ooh,” said the voice, “I heard a lot of people love that game. Did you play it?”
“Ya, I hadn’t played it before, so I figured I should give it a try.”
“Well, how did it go?”
“Well, you can probably assume by how I am looking, it didn’t go well.”
“That’s unfortunate dude, what went wrong? Was it the game’s story? I know the story for Aliens: Colonial Marine was a big sticking point for you.”
“No the story of Hotline Miami wasn’t the problem. The story actually was the only thing pushing me through. In Hotline Miami, you play as a nameless guy in 1980’s Miami. You receive voicemails on your answering machine instructing you to go to certain addresses and ‘handle the problem.’ You appear to be some drugged-out hitman working for some nameless crime organization. The mystery of it all reminds me of the movie Memento; you watch events unfold while trying to piece the mystery together. I especially get this feeling in between levels. You go to a convenience store or VHS rental shop where you see the same guy. He will briefly mention how the streets are becoming more violent and something big is going down. In between chapters, you will meet with three masked figures asking cryptic questions like ‘do I enjoy hurting people?’ I desperately wanted to learn more.”
“Damn,” said the voice behind the clerk counter, “that does sound intriguing. However, you always say the best games marry story and gameplay together. So what is the gameplay like?”
While I was a bit worried that this clerk who I don’t remember was quoting me, I decided to humor him anyway. What harm could come from telling someone how Hotline Miami played?
“Well,” I started, “the gameplay of Hotline Miami is a top-down John Wick simulator where you enter a building and try to eliminate everyone before they kill you. You can use any melee weapon or gun you find and you can even hurl them at your enemy. You may think it sounds easy, but, unfortunately, you die in one hit. Fortunately, Hotline Miami doesn’t want you to focus on your failures and rather you just rush in so you can crack the skull of the guard who killed you mere seconds ago. You also get an assortment of masks that give you bonus abilities like faster takedowns or reduced gunshot noise. They can certainly make the combat more varied.
“I would also describe Hotline Miami as the game that coined the phrase ‘a Devolver Digital game’ as it has all the qualities that many games they published have: arcade-style gameplay, a love for retro ’80s vibe, a focus on drug and hazy violence, neon color palette, and synth-wave music. All of these are my favorite qualities of Devolver Digital games. However, their games are also known for being quite challenging at times, so I really appreciate that Hotline Miami lets you jump back into the action so quickly. I frankly find myself screaming at games designed to be frustratingly hard and then insist on doing everything to keep you from jumping back into the action. Nothing frustrates me more than a hard game that will make you sit through upgrades you acquired, a grading system to tell you how bad you did, and a loading screen just before you can jump back into the action. Looking at you I Hate Running Backwards.”
“So…” the voice said in a confused tone, “it sounds like you liked Hotline Miami, but you look like you were resisting the urge to snap your controller. What happened?”
“To be honest,” I mumbled, “I found the trial and error nature of Hotline Miami too frustrating. Now don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy a hard game, but I need to feel like I am making progress. Take Katana Zero, for example, that’s another hard game, but one I can feel like I can learn from. In that game, I can break through the door, take out the guard in front of the door, but get shot by a guard at the other side of the room. I can take away from that attempt that I need to either roll to avoid the shot or reflect the shot back at the guard. I never walk away from an attempt at a level in Hotline Miami feeling like I can learn anything.
“While the enemies in Hotline Miami, will usually path in one direction, the location they seem to start at seemed to change in each attempt. I remember a specific level where I would immediately walk in the door and get mauled by a dog, but it was never consistently happening. Some attempts the dog immediately killed me and other times he would be in a different part of the level. It seems designed to prevent you from making a plan, and I am not surprised. Hotline Miami states that it encourages reckless behavior. It claims you will receive more points if you go in swinging like a madman, but honestly, recklessness got me killed way more often than planning ahead did. Frequently, acting recklessly would get me shot by someone off-screen, which is always a way to get my blood boiling. Honestly, the echoes of me screaming ‘what do you want’ can probably still be heard in that warehouse. I could never tell what Hotline Miami wanted me to do. It’s why I look like such a mess. I have been screaming and slamming my fists on the deck so much I feel light-headed and dizzy.”
“Bummer, dude,” the voice said, “so you didn’t like Hotline Miami?”
“I don’t hate it,” I replied, “I really did want to love Hotline Miami. Unfortunately, I just don’t know what it wants from me, resulting in frustration rather than satisfaction. Personally, I recommend Katana Zero over Hotline Miami, but if you can understand what Hotline Miami is asking you, then you’ll probably have a great time.”
“Damn, that’s a shame,” the voice suddenly changing from a soft light-hearted tone to a raspy wail, “Boss isn’t too happy to hear that.”
My head was still pounding, but I had to know who I was really talking to. I looked up, squinting through the light. I hoped maybe I would see a clerk with long hippy-like hair or a scraggly beard. Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky that day.
“You…” I gasped.
Before I could glimpse his face, he dawned a rat mask much like the assailant in the game. He appeared to have murdered our hero’s friend who ran the convenience store, VHS shop, pizza place, and nightclub. He was very much the rival assassin, working for the same shady organization as the hero in Hotline Miami. Now, he stood menacingly over me. My heart began to race as I tried to scurry away. Within seconds, he grasped me by my ankle.
“You see,” his true voice muffled by the mask, “My bosses at Devolver Digital, don’t appreciate the love-hate relationship between us and the Video Game Doomsayer. While you have stated how much you love some of our games, you frequently express your distaste for many of our titles. The Boss isn’t happy about what you said about I Hate Running Backwards and Ape Out. They decided to give you one last chance with Hotline Miami, but it seems you have disappointed us for the last time.”
He raised a crowbar high into the air. His body blocking the light and casting an ominous shadow over me.
All I heard before falling deep into darkness was my foe chuckling: “The Boss will see you now, Mr. Doomsayer.”