This article originally ran under a different banner/website in May of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! LEND ME YOUR EARS!!! While I, the video game Doomsayer, have tried to focus on the positives during these trying times, there still remains some vile video games lurking in the depths. Alas, you can’t have a rainbow without rain. You can’t have the dawn without the darkness. You can’t experience true happiness without first experiencing pain. Finally, one cannot fully appreciate how good their favorite video games are until you have played through some atrocious titles. I am not talking about titles that were competently made that I merely didn’t enjoy like Resident Evil 3 and Streets of Rage 4, but games so toxic they could melt hard drives like acid. Speaking of toxic acid, let’s discuss one of the most painful games I have had the displeasure of playing: Aliens: Colonial Marines.
Our story begins with Corporal Winters, a space marine so generic and uninteresting, that I frankly can’t be bothered to remember or look up his first name. He and his team are sent to the U.S.S. Sulaco in response to a distress call left by Corporal Dywane Hicks. Now if you are scratching your head trying to remember if Hicks did send a distress call in Aliens, I am here to inform you he did not. While, a video game that starts with re-writing a beloved film already sets off alarm bells in my head, a small change such as Hicks sending out a distress call isn’t too big of a deal in my mind. However, if you think developers Gearbox Software are stopping there, I am here to inform you the horrors in storytelling have only just begun.
Aboard the U.S.S. Sulaco, the marines are greeted by a swarm of aliens aboard the ship. You assume the marines would be constantly on the back foot, despite trying to hold back the onslaught from the aliens’ forces, but you aren’t. We could have had a game where you’re constantly running backward as a tidal wave of aliens sweeps over your forces does sound like a thrilling Aliens title, but alas that game was never meant to be. Instead, the marines in Aliens: Colonial Marines act more like soldiers in a Call of Duty title, able to mow down waves of aliens in seconds. Our forces continue to march through the ship, never overwhelmed, never worried about the alien’s acid blood, and never worried about being picked off by aliens.
Frankly, the tone of Aliens: Colonial Marines’ writing has me call into question Gearbox’s understanding of the film Aliens. I always viewed the soldiers in Aliens in the same light as the cocky and bratty teenagers in Friday the 13th films. We are supposed to find them arrogant and obnoxious so when the aliens ambush and slaughter them, our only response should be “Should have listened to Ripley.” Having a game where the marines kill the aliens, is like having a Friday the 13th film where the rich snobby teenagers are able to banish Jason to Crystal Lake. Even the game’s love of Hicks is questionable. Sure, he’s the first marine to realize they bit off more than they can chew, but honestly, he’s just as obnoxious as the other marines at the beginning of Aliens.
Alas, the true nature of Aliens: Colonial Marines is revealed when the U.S.S. Sulaco explodes, forcing the marines to crash land on LV-426. Upon reaching Hadley’s Hope that has not been blown to bits by Ridley and company, the vail is dropped right in front of us. We are playing fan-fiction. Fan-fiction from someone clearly unhappy with the events of Aliens. Someone who clearly didn’t see Ripley as the rightful hero. Someone who would like to rewrite the Aliens series to be a love letter to the military. Someone who watched Starship Troopers and didn’t realize it was a satire. Frankly, many events in Aliens: Colonial Marines play out like a bizarro world version of Starship Troopers, that doesn’t understand the idea of irony.
Before I continue, I have no issue with fan fiction. I am all for young creatives diving into alternative takes as a way to sharpen their writing skills. However, when the writing is this atrocious, you should not be charging money for it. There is supposed to be a dramatic scene where one of your fellow marines is having an alien burst through their chest. You get them to a Weyland-Yutani scientist and start berating them to save your squad mate’s life. As the alien burst through their chest, I partly expected the alien to do the famous “Hello, my baby” dance to just add something into this flat lifeless scene. The game wants this scene to be dramatic, but the dialogue and delivery are so cold and stiff it makes Zander Barcalow’s death in Starship Troopers look like an Oscar-winning scene.
Speaking stiff, let’s discuss Aliens: Colonial Marine’s combat. Now, maybe the game’s horrendous story could be excused if they had exhilarating gameplay. There is not much of a story behind the Doom series, and that is usually excused due to the visceral combat. However, as I alluded to earlier, the combat in Aliens: Colonial Marines is just as much a mess as their story.
You will be mowing down countless Aliens with mostly the worst set of guns in video games. These have no feedback or impact on them. The shotgun feels like one of those pop guns you pick up in an amusement park gift shop. The assault rifle sounds like a playing card in the spokes of a bike and becomes so mind-numbing, I could feel myself start to fall asleep while firing it. Just to showcase how shoddy and cheap Aliens: Colonial Marines appears, the assault rifle will always sound like it is firing in bursts even when you are continuously firing. It blows my mind how a studio like Gearbox Software, a studio known for the Borderlands series, could make the gunplay feel so repulsive. To know Gearbox decided to create all new guns that feel awful when they could have copied the guns from Borderlands is like watching marines hire a consultant so they can ignore them and get slaughtered. Kind of ironic when you think about it.
Fortunately, the aliens don’t seem to be having a better time. While they do have numbers on their side, their movement is so jerky and stiff they might be suffering from the came carpal tunnel plaguing my hands. So many times I watched an alien drop down from a ceiling or a wall only for them to stare blankly at me like a dog hoping to receive treats. Eventually, they remember they are the enemies in this wretched excuse for a game and be-line straight for you. Frequently, getting caught on terrain along the way. Your ally marines also appear to have the same AI as the aliens, as they frequently get caught in terrain and doorways as well. Honestly, your companion AI and enemy AI must have been classmates in the same poor southern school district, because neither seems capable of passing first grade. Frequently, I would watch a marine try to duke it out with an alien. I laughed in amusement as I watched them both continuously miss each, despite being right in front of each other. However, watching this happen for six more levels soon became embarrassing.
Of course, to make matters worse, Aliens: Colonial Marines tries to take a page out of the modern military shooters by introducing a Weyland-Yutani private military group looking to cover up the whole ordeal. Just in case the mind-numbing gun sounds weren’t enough to put you to sleep, you can have some bog-standard cover-based combat to help cure your insomnia. Determined to not get drool onto my keyboard, I would attempt to charge headfirst into the enemy soldiers in an attempt to liven things up. However, this would cause me to fall to the ground and helplessly watch my AI partners refuse to revive me. I, THE VIDEO GAME DOOMSAYER, DO DECLARE THAT FROM NOW ON IT WILL BE A SIN FOR ALLY AI TO NOT IMMEDIATELY PICK US UP WHEN WE ARE DOWN. If I see one more AI partner plink away at a boss while I am laying on the ground, I am given the right to come and burn your studio down to the ground. If I have to have this ball and chain of an AI follow me, their first response should be to pick me up when I am down.
Though, I question whether trying to get this AI to pick me up without causing any glitches to occur. Aliens: Colonial Marine was infamous for being buggy at launch and frankly, is still buggy today. The bug that occurred during my playthrough included using a grenade to get the first boss to clip through the floor. The first boss was this charging alien brute who you had to trick into running into gas tanks. However, you aren’t fast enough to get out of the way of the charge causing you to die in the explosion. So I attempted to use a grenade to damage it, but it caused the alien to fall through the level, promptly forcing me to restart the level.
The second and only other boss is also a complete joke. You have to hit four switch panels to cause the giant alien to be kicked off the ship. While it might have been obnoxious in single-player, I had recruited a local hobo to assist me in playing through this mess. I distracted the alien by hiding in shipping containers and shooting it, while my hobo friend ran around hitting the switches. The fight was criminally short and anti-climatic. All we could do was laugh as the alien attempted to climb back in the ship and our commanding officer sacrificed himself in another stiff and lifeless manner.
As my vagabond friend and I watched Aliens: Colonial Marines’ ending clumsily try to rewrite Aliens and Alien 3, all we could do is laugh. We had spent the whole game laughing at the stiff animations, the cringe-worthy cutscenes, and the whole idea that Gearbox Software still stands by the idea that Aliens: Colonial Marine is a good game. Well, my loyal followers, I am not here to recommend this game to fans of shooters or fans of the Aliens series. I am here to recommend this game to people who enjoy playing bad co-op games with friends. If you and your friends enjoy laughing at games that completely lack any self-awareness to see just how bad they truly are, then I present to you Aliens: Colonial Marines. May your laughter be heard from the deepest stars in space.