This article originally ran under a different banner/website in February of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
A hooded figure sat at a monitor at the Blizzard Headquarters in Irvine, California. They viciously typed the code needed to set up the system to automatically refund purchases of Warcraft 3 Reforged. As their fingers furiously typed, the hooded figure could feel the stampede of an angry mob approaching the headquarters. He didn’t spare them a thought though. They were far off in the distance, and once he had set up the automatic refunds, he knew their rage would be quelled.
“Can you feel it, old friend,” a voice from the shadows whispered? The source of the voice moved into the moonlight that flooded the office. It was late into the night, but it did not matter. Blizzard needed the processing of the refunds yesterday. The light slowly revealed the figure to be none other than myself, the Video Game Doomsayer. “It’s closing in all around you. The ire of customers has finally awakened.”
“Doomsayer,” the annoyed figure, concealed by his Blizzard staff hoodie, whispered, “why are you here? Can’t you see I have more pressing matters?”
“I merely walk in the wake of doom,” I somberly remarked, “It is customary for a doomsayer to warn people who dare not listen, and Blizzard has most definitely turned a deaf ear to me. Can you not see your sins have finally caught up to you?”
“You will be called to account,” I roared, “for all the atrocities you have committed.”
The figure chuckled, “What crimes are you leveling at me, Doomsayer?”
“The long list of the broken promises made while flaunting Warcraft 3 Reforged hoping to court buyers,” I stated. “Blizzard boasted an overhauled campaign with countless hours of additional story added in. We were supposed to see Jaina’s and Sylvanas’s side of the story. Parts of the story that we are familiar with would be getting revamped dynamic cutscenes that would help display the gravity of the characters’ actions. Alas, none of this was present. The only work done was model updates that frankly made everything look like it belonged to a mobile title.”
“You know this was all deliberate,” the figure fired back, “we chose to cut the updated story and cutscenes, so we could keep Warcraft 3: Reforged true to the original.”
“It is funny how true to the original,” I remarked, “means significantly less work for you and the rest of Blizzard.”
The hooded figure scoffed and silently returned to typing on this keyboard.
“Nonetheless, you will be called to account for the unspeakable horror you let loose upon this world.”
“Your dramatics bore me, Doomsayer. Warcraft 3 Reforge may not be the experience you wanted, but it is not as broken as some other games.”
“Quite frankly, old friend,” I said with a disconcerted look, “Warcraft 3 Reforge is an embarrassment in terms of bringing this title into the modern age. Have you not played the new remastering of recent years? Metroid: Samus Returns, Ratchet and Clank (2016), and Shadow of the Colossus? Do I dare even mention the Resident Evil 2 remake that came out last year?”
“Can’t say I have,” the annoyed figure remarked.
“Capcom remade Resident Evil 2 from the ground up. Ditching the fixed cameras for an over-the-shoulder camera system. Even with these changes, many fans felt it was true to the original. You know you could have made some updates to Warcraft 3: Reforged while staying true to the original. You could have revamped the user interface as you had promised. Hell, I would have been satisfied if you made all those thirty-minute base defense missions shorter. To sit there for thirty minutes only to have to start over because you lost in the last ten minutes feel like a relic of the past.”
“Maybe if you didn’t spend every waking hour counting your money, you would see remakes are so much more than a fresh coat of paint. Capcom dared to do more with their remake of Resident Evil 2 than polish up the graphics. They did away with the fixed camera in exchange for a claustrophobic third-person camera. Even with these changes, many fans felt it was true to the original. Do you dare think Warcraft 3 was so flawless, that it was in no need of any gameplay tweaks? You did think your initial promise to overhaul the user interface was not worth keeping? Do you think thirty-minute base defense missions are acceptable? To sit there for thirty-minutes only to have to start over because you lost in the last ten minutes feel like a relic of the past.”
“Well, unfortunately, we didn’t want to do that,” the hooded figure barked as his frustration began to mount, “we just wanted to improve the graphics of the original.”
“Oh, that is not all you did,” I said smugly as the Blizzard employee had carelessly walked into my trap, “Finally, you will be called to account for the dark, ancient powers you have enslaved.”
“Now I know you have truly lost your mind, Doomsayer. What ancient powers could you possibly be referring to?”
“Lawyers…”
“Oh give me a break,” the figure exclaimed as I had finally broken their patience.
“You can deny it all you want, but we all know a team of lawyers tiredly wrote that end user license agreement. I wouldn’t be surprised if more time was spent updating that EULA over actually improving Warcraft 3: Reforged. We all know that you were bitter about DOTA slipping through your fingers, but this license agreement is insulting.”
The hooded figure stopped typing. He did not reply, but I could feel the rage boiling within his hooded sweatshirt.
“‘Custom Games are and shall remain the sole and exclusive property of Blizzard. Without limiting the foregoing, you hereby assign to Blizzard all of your rights, title, and interest in and to all Custom Games, including but not limited to any copyrights in the content of any Custom Games.’ How insulting to players who spent countless hours creating custom game modes within Warcraft 3. Frankly, I suggest players just stick to the original version, but you have seemed to turn that version to dust with a mere snap of your fingers. By forcing everyone who owned Warcraft 3 to upgrade to Warcraft 3 Reforged, you have strangled custom games and their communities in their sleep. It is just sickening how far you and the rest of Blizzard have fallen.”
“May I ask you one thing Doomsayer,” the figure asked while his fingers resummed pounded the keyboard.
I nodded.
“Did you not have a single ounce of fun while playing Warcraft 3: Reforged,” he asked with a hiss in his voice, “while not the remake YOU would have wanted, it is still a pleasing-looking version of Warcraft 3. You can gripe about the lack of changes or the ruined custom modes you never use. Can you not deny it is still Warcraft 3? I know you can try all the other real-time strategy games you have saved on that massive hard drive, but we know none will compare to Warcraft 3.”
I ponder for a brief moment.
“While you do have a point, the story of Warcraft 3 will always be dear to me. To see the downfall of Arthas and the rise of the Horde and Alliance working to overcome the Legion, will always be a treasured story to me. However, I can’t escape the dark feeling I get as I play Warcraft 3: Reforged. As I watch Arthas transformer from a shining beacon of hope into the exact monster he swore he protect Lordaeron against, I can’t help but think how much this story mirrors what you and the rest of Blizzard have become. The idea of quality above all else has vanished with your quest for the almighty dollar. You are no longer our savior, but the one who would dam us All.
“I no longer mourn for you. I no longer feel anger or disappointment. Just the hope that one day, Blizzard Entertainment will find peace with its own self-destructive demise. A demise that is most certainly coming. In the words that you had once written, no king rules forever. I certainly believe the curtain is closing on your rule.”
The hooded figure’s response was to slam his hand on the keyboard in a fit of rage.
“I grow tired of your nonsense,” shouted the figure. As he stood up his hood continued to conceal his face. His voice rose as throughout his cries of anger. “Your precious real-time strategy game was never going to make enough money back to warrant investing so many resources into it. I care not for how many promises were broken, how many remasters put us to shame, or the restrictions on custom games. Warcraft 3 is our property. If it is our will to polish it up and re-release it, then we have every right to do so. If you don’t like it, THEN STOP PLAYING OUR GAMES!!!”
I calmly stepped closer to him, “Maybe, you should tell that to all of them.”
I pointed to the growing mob that had made significant ground towards the campus. The faint outline that was circling the grounds, had grown more defined. Faces became more detailed with rage. Pitchforks and torches in just about every hand. I wondered if anything, including refunds, could calm the outrage of this mob. The hooded figure seemed unconcerned, returning to the dim light of the screen.
“Though my heart was the first to be broken by evil, there are thousands more approaching the grounds, and they cry out for vengeance.” I shot the hooded figure a concerned look as his fingers came to a standstill on his keyboard. “Look now to your defenses, old friend, as the agents of vengeance gather at your gates.”
The hooded figure slowly reached down to the plug of his computer and ripped it from the socket. The screen went black. All the work that went into setting up automatic refunds had been destroyed. The chances of anyone receiving a refund now vanished right before my eyes. His fate had been sealed.
“Let them come,” the figure growled. He reached for the brim of his hood, to reveal that it was none other than Bobby Kotick, the CEO of Activision. With a mere toothy grin, he yelled, “MY BANK ACCOUNT HUNGERS!”
