This article originally ran under a different banner/website in January of 2020 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! BOYS AND GIRLS OF ALL AGE!!! MAY I WELCOME YOU ALL TO THE NEW DECADE!!! 2020 is finally upon us now. As I, the Video Game Doomsayer, look back upon 2019, I can’t escape the sinking feeling of what a mediocre year it was. As I wrap my brain around this puzzle, I can’t help but place the blame squarely on the Resident Evil 2 remake. Resident Evil 2 is easily set my expectations sky-high for 2019. I felt like Icarus with wings made of gruesome rotting zombies instead of wax. As I soared into 2019, my wings melted away under the light of mediocre games causing me to plummet back to reality. Resident Evil 2 set the bar so high, that everything else evaporated away in disappointment. So, to combat 2020 being just as dissatisfying, I figured I should start the year off by playing one of the vilest titles infesting my Steam library. So let’s begin with one of the biggest disappointments of the past decade: Duke Nukem Forever.
A little history lesson for the children in the back. On January 29, 1996, a little known Doom-clone called Duke Nukem 3D was released on Shareware. Its full release came out on April 19, 1996, and was a commercial hit. Fan adored Duke Nukem 3D for its solid gameplay and crude attitude. Often trading Doom’s labs and space stations for porn shops and strip clubs, Duke Nukem 3D certainly catered to an older demographic. Riding the success of Duke Nukem 3D, developers 3D Realms announced Duke Nukem Forever on April 28, 1997. However, the following years weren’t kind to 3D Realms. Between engine changes, conflicts with publishers, and mass layoffs, Duke Nukem Forever seemed to lost to time forever. It wasn’t until Gearbox Software acquired the Duke Nukem license in 2010, that hope grew for Duke Nukem Forever. If only people knew what they were getting. On June 14, 2011, the world was finally graced with Duke Nukem Forever’s presence. With fans waiting almost fourteen years for this title, to say Duke Nukem Forever had a lot of hype to live up to was an understatement. Would Duke Nukem Forever shatter expectations or kick-start the wave of over-promise under-deliver games?
Our story begins with Duke playing Duke Nukem Forever. When asked if the game was any good, Duke replies it had better be after waiting twelve years. Ultimately tempting fate. Becoming a pop star for defeating the aliens, twelve years ago, Duke’s pampered lifestyle is interrupted by the same alien race taking a second crack at conquering Earth. Duke gets ready to jump into the fray, but the President of the United States tells Duke to stand down. Duke surprisingly doesn’t flip the President the bird, but passively-aggressively ignores him as he takes down the aliens and their Mothership invading his home.
This all brings me to my first issue with Duke Nukem Forever; the game is schizophrenic in tone. One minute you will be platforming around a fast food joint as a miniature Duke. The next you’ll be in a dark cavern learning the aliens have a twisted and disturbing plan for the women of Earth. Then you will be besieging the Hoover Dam like it is the Normandy beach. Duke Nukem Forever feels like someone took Half-Life, Doom 3, and Call of Duty and blended them all together. Duke himself almost feels like a knock-off of Gordon Freeman as he will be amidst a conversation between the President and a general, completely silent until they both leave and then he cracks a one-liner. I understand Duke has a bit of a raunchy tone, but Duke Nukem Forever is shamelessly trying to be too serious for a Duke Nukem game.
Speaking of not being a Duke Nukem game, the combat is far from the game Duke Nukem 3D staked its claims as. GONE ARE THE MAZE-LIKE LEVELS. Levels are tarred with the linear brush. GONE ARE HUNTING FOR HEALTH, UPGRADES, AND SECRETS. Your health automatically refills over time like the weak soldiers in Call of Duty. GONE ARE THE SATISFYING WEAPONS FOUND IN THE ORIGINAL. The guns in Duke Nukem Forever feel like guns you find in light-gun arcade games like House of the Dead or Area 51. Duke Nukem Forever does not feel like a descent of the early shooters but merely feels like a Half-Life copycat.
Duke Nukem Forever doesn’t spend the whole eleven-hour run time copying Half-Life. Soon, Duke Nukem Forever starts copying Half-LIfe 2 with an RC car and a monster truck similar to Gordon Freeman’s speedboat. Unlike Freeman’s speedboat, Duke’s vehicle handles like a bar of soap in an ice rink. These vehicles take decades to turn and millennia to stop. Duke will have to take these unwieldy beasts over jumps that resemble modified jumps you make as a child that you take your bike over. As you can imagine, all sense of control is lost as you sore over these jumps. One jump, I couldn’t get over until I turned on v-sync. The physics, in general, seems to be spotty as I recall getting a pinball stuck in the in-game pinball game. This leads me to my next point, Duke Nukem Forever is a technical mess.
Duke Nukem Forever was notorious for being a buggy disaster upon launch. Many cried of long load times and poor mouse support. While I did not experience the dreaded load times, I did experience the muddy textures. Now I usually don’t mention graphics, due to the fact I prefer games with an artist style over realistic graphics. However, with a PC containing power that the people of 2011 could only dream of, I was shocked at how washed out some of the environments and enemies looked. Numerous jetpack enemies appeared as muddy brown smears. Even with these enemies mere inches from my face, I could not tell what these enemies even were. With games like Bioshock, Crysis, and numerous colorful World of Warcraft expansions coming before Duke Nukem Forever, the sloppy visuals are frankly unacceptable.
Not to keep beating the Duke is copying Half-Life horse, but Duke Nukem Forever decided to incorporate one of my least favorite aspects of the original Half-Life: first-person platforming. My gripe with Half-Life’s first-person platforming was due to Gordon Freeman feeling like he was wearing roller skates. Having to make tight jumps in first-person was tough enough without having the risk of skating off the platform. While Duke doesn’t have roller skates, he does feels floaty. Duke never feels like he is firmly planted on any surface. Combine that with numerous Valve-like platforming puzzles and I am frequently left with the feeling that Duke will fall off the map entirely.
Along with various see-saw puzzles, Duke Nukem Forever will occasionally throw some puzzles at you. At this point, you might be saying: DOOMSAYER, I DID NOT EXPECT DUKE NUKEM TO BE A PUZZLE EXPERT. A correct assumption my followers. I recall one pipe puzzle that Duke Nukem Forever laid at my feet like a cat presenting a bird that it had killed. Duke immediately comments he hates Valve puzzles. A dig at Half-Life developers, but I couldn’t help but think of Doom (2016). At the beginning of Doom (2016), the Doom Marine is being given the story from a computer screen. As the computer begins to lecture the Doom marine, he throws the computer off-screen. Something that I felt like Duke Nukem should have done the second the game threw any sort of puzzle at him, but alas, he doesn’t. Duke bends to the whims of the game developers and solves the puzzle to progress. A sad state to see Duke in.
As I mindlessly grind through Duke Nukem Forever, I can’t help but reminisce on Doom (2016). I am sure the endless list of developers were hoping Duke Nukem Forever would be the bold iteration to the first-person shooter genre that Doom (2016) was. Unfortunately, you don’t innovate by copying what everyone is doing. I am sure many will ask what could have been done to save Duke Nukem Forever. Surely, I say make non-linear levels similar to Doom (2016), including health packs and secrets like Doom (2016), and create a fast-paced combat system like Doom (2016). Naturally, I take the easy way out and say Duke Nukem Forever should just be like a game that would come out five years later. However, the simple situation is to say Duke Nukem should have been true to himself and not try to copy other titles.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! I do not hate Duke Nukem Forever. I pity the game. I pity everyone who had the displeasure of working on this title. I pity everyone who waited so long for this title. I wish something joyous could come from this disaster, but alas that was not the story to be written. I can only stand here and herald Duke Nukem Forever as the mere warning that comes from trend-chasing. A lesson that we have definitely learned from and will not have to learn again within the new year. Welcome to 2020 everyone. It is time to play good games and chew bubblegum, and I am all out of bubblegum.