This article originally ran under a different banner/website in September of 2018 and is now being here re-uploaded for purposes of convenience and consolidation. Please enjoy.
GATHER ROUND, MY FOLLOWERS. I have come to recall a tale of a young doomsayer and his past sins. Long before I felt the need to shout the end from the atop my soapbox, I was just like all of you. A young gamer who was starting to get tired of the industry’s wants and greed. I was tired of the on-disc DLC, shoehorned multiplayer, the online passes, and of course the dreaded clones of Call of Duty. I thought if this was where the industry was headed, then a swift end would be needed. I could not let the cancerous mass continue to grow. I soon dedicated my life to finding an end. After months and months of pouring through ancient texts by candlelight, I finally found the solution: the four horsemen. The four horsemen are the heralds of the apocalypse, taking the form of whatever was needed to bring the end to their target. What most people fail to realize is the horsemen not only possess the power to bring the end to the world but with the proper sacrifice, the horsemen could bring the end to anything. They could bring the end to obnoxious fads, certain genres of music, or anything you desire to be gone. With that knowledge, I scoured the earth and was able to find the four seals needed to unleash the horsemen upon the gaming industry. Atop a high distance mountain, I performed the ritual that required me to pour Mountain Dew, crushed up Doritos, the ashes of a burnt Mario plush, and the hair of a Zelda wig into a Master Chief helmet. After mixing the concoction, I poured it onto the four seals and then proceeded to break them.
I opened the first of the four seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice oddly resembling a computerized voice “Come and see!” I looked, and there before me was a blue horse with the words “Early Access” tattooed on the side. His rider carried no weapon and proclaimed he would receive one in a later patch along with a more thunderous voice. He proclaimed games would be released in alpha and betas. Developers would claim they need the money now to continue production. Many would take this money and disappear leaving games in buggy unfinished states. My eyes widened with glee. Surely nobody would be foolish to pay for an unfinished product. Never had I been so wrong though, as I witnessed people flock to DayZ as it made its way to early access. Even as I stand before you today, DayZ has spent five years in Early Access and has no sign of leaving.
I opened the second of the four seals, I heard the second living creatures say in a muffled voice, “Come and see!” Then another horse came out, an old and tired one. I could not see the rider’s face as it was buried with a map he carried. The rider had appeared to have ridden the horse for what appeared to be a long stretch of time. The rider proclaimed that all games would be open world, and the end of level design was upon us. No more Fort Frolic, Water Temple, or Bowser’s castle. He dawned on two swords named “Sandbox” and “Procedurally generated”. He continued to boast with his two swords he will remake the land into samey unrecognizable landscapes with the same copy-pasted actives sprinkled randomly through the land. Desert sandboxes as far as the eyes could see, he vowed. My smile grew. Surely, nobody would want to visit these bland lifeless worlds, but Ubisoft vowed to prove me wrong with titles like The Division and Ghost Recon Wildlands.
When I opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come and see!” I looked, and there before me was a diseased horse that occasionally reached down to eat part of its own flesh. The rider wasn’t in much better shape. Pale in reflection and bangs hanging from their eyes depicted his lack of sleep or nourishment. The rider explained that the horse’s hunger meter appeared to be empty resulting in the horse’s bizarre behavior. He donned a blunt sword he looted off a fallen enemy along with the food and water he used to stave off hunger and thirst. He exclaimed he would make games more realistic by reminding players they have to eat, drink and rest to stave off the grave. He promised games would contain nothing but meters that players need to manage constantly. Perfect, I thought, a push to realism will bore players and cause them to abandon the medium.
When I opened the final seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come and see!” I looked and there before me, was a horseman not riding a horse, but A MOTORCYCLE crafted bits and bobs that clearly didn’t belong together. The rider’s face was covered in grease and he had a bit of metal stuck in his wild beard. The rider proclaimed he ditched his old horse when he gathered the proper materials to construct his new ride. His weapon of choice was the impressive Sledge Saw, a weapon crafted from a sledgehammer and a cement saw. I expressed my concern that being able to craft the eye-catching weapons might bring more people to gaming. He gave a booming laugh. That was part of his plan, he claimed. Draw the suckers in, then tell them you can only craft stuff like the Sledge Saw when you’re a master craftsman. These kiddies will start out crafting sticks with rocks on the end. He gave me the same booming laugh as he sped off with his horsemen bothers.
In the end, they did nothing be show me the foolishness of my ways. They did not bring the swift death I truly desired. They only worked to draw out and prolong the end. They have succeeded in wreaking havoc across the industry. Many games have been swept up and decimated by the horsemen. That has never been more apparent than the release of We Happy Few. Compulsion Games and Gearbox publishing invited all four horsemen to take part in soiling their new adventure. A move that appears to be fatal. The early access version of We Happy Few did nothing but showcase the game’s issue and deals with the other horsemen. The procedurally generated open world of We Happy Few makes a world that should feel unique, unrecognizable with copy-paste shops and citizens littering the city. The survival mechanics do nothing but drag out the game with the game’s protagonist growing weaker when not properly fed or rested. The crafting does nothing but stall out the game even more with the constant stopping to rub two items together to make something useful that you could have been given from the start.
I am not here though, to discourage all developers from striking deals with the horsemen. On the contrary, I feel the horsemen have helped a lot of games individually. Had Fortnite not been on Early Access, it might not have incorporated its battle royale mode that has caught the world on fire (in a non-apocalyptic way). The Witcher 3 is constantly praised for having an open world that does not resort to copy-pasting actives but design unique and exciting quests around every turn. Despite the millions of survival games on Steam, Don’t Starve uses these survival mechanics to craft one of the most popular games on the platform. Finally, crafting has played a huge role in a ton of games, but I feel like Dead Raising would not be as beloved without its wacky crafting system. The horsemen even donated his favorite weapon to the game. The horsemen are not good, but they are not evil. They have become a natural part of the industry for better or worse. I only stand here and hope developers exercise caution when making deals with them. Most appear well equipped to deal with one or two of them but strike deals with all four and all I will be able to tell you is that your end is nigh.